


Andrew/Andrew

by Sashataakheru



Category: Doctor Who, The Chaser RPS
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Multi, abuse of cliche, clone armies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-30
Updated: 2006-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-05 08:51:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew wakes one morning to find himself looking at a clone of himself in the bathroom. It is not going to be a good morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Andrew/Andrew

**Author's Note:**

> Set in an AU where The Chaser's War On Everything set is a proper warehouse where they all live together.
> 
> It was written for the wtf27 challenge on LJ for the prompt 'doppelganger'.

Andrew stops in the bathroom doorway, staring in at the occupant. Correction, staring in at himself. Himself? Is it really? Only one way to find out. Gingerly stepping forward, Andrew approaches the other Andrew. The other Andrew turns to look at him.

“Who… are you?” the other Andrew asks tentatively.

“I’m you, I think. Or you’re me. You look like me. What are you doing in our bathroom?” Andrew says.

“Our bathroom? What are you doing in _our_ bathroom? You don’t live here,” the other Andrew says.

“Yes I do. You don’t live here,” Andrew says.

“No, you don’t live here,” the other Andrew insists.

“Get out of my bathroom, you don’t live here!” Andrew says, getting annoyed at the circular arguments.

“No, you get out! I was here first!” the other Andrew says.

“Fine,” Andrew says.

“Fine,” the other Andrew says.

With a final glare, Andrew storms out of the bathroom to find someone else who isn’t him. He heads over to the lounge room, seeing Chris and Craig standing around discussing something. They look up at him as he approaches.

“Something the matter, Andrew?” Chris says.

“I just had an argument with myself and lost,” Andrew says.

“What? How can you have an argument with yourself?” Craig says.

“Go see who’s in the bathroom,” Andrew says, gesturing over his shoulder.

Chris and Craig glance at each other before going to have a look for themselves. Andrew follows.

“Shit, but that’s-” Chris starts, unable to finish.

“Yeah, that’s me. Or someone who looks like me,” Andrew says.

“Where’d he come from?” Craig says. “How do we know you’re the real one?”

“How should I know? I woke up, and there he was, brushing his teeth with my toothbrush!” Andrew says.

“Hey, calm down, Andrew. I’m sure there’s some rational explanation for this,” Craig says.

“Don’t say that, that just about guarantees there’ll be some complicated explanation from some evil genius/mad scientist type right at the end right before they’re caught and before they have time to delete the clone,” Andrew says.

“Yeah, you’ve gone and fucking jinxed it, Reucassel. This is going to be long and drawn out, now,” Chris says.

“Can I go beat him up for it?” the other Andrew adds.

“No!” Chris, Craig and Andrew say.

“You stay in there while we work this out,” Craig says, shutting the other Andrew in the bathroom. They all ignore the other Andrew banging on the door, trying to get out.

“Where’s Jules when you need him?” Chris says.

“Have you seen him at all today? Because I swear I haven’t seen him anywhere,” Craig says.

“I’m sure I’ve – hang on, where is he? You’re right, I don’t remember seeing him at all today, or Chas for that matter,” Chris says.

“Does it matter? He’s probably the one who created the clone, and we’ll have to get past Chas to get to him,” Andrew says.

“Oh, don’t be like that. Why would he clone you? I mean, clearly he should’ve cloned me,” Chris says.

“I don’t know. I thought one of me was more than enough, and we don’t need two of you, Chris,” Andrew says.

“Nah, clearly, I should’ve been cloned. I’m the prettiest,” Craig says with a grin.

“Fucking Adonis you are, Reucassel. Now, let’s go find Jules,” Chris says.

“Should we take the other me, you know, just in case?” Andrew says.

“Yeah, might be a good idea. Craig, go get me that collar and leash. You know where it is,” Chris says. “What? I’m not leading him around without having some sort of control over him, assuming you are the real one,” he says in response to Andrew’s quizzical look.

“Of course I’m the real one. Why wouldn’t I be the real one?” Andrew says.

“Because knowing the narrator, it’s just as likely that you’ll end up being the clone. Could also end up being some evil lab full of Andrew clones we’ll have to destroy in some explosive fashion to save the world from an army of clones,” Chris says. “Hey, are you giving plot details away?”

“Don’t piss off the narrator or she’ll do something nasty to you,” Craig says.

“Know that from experience, do you?” Chris says.

“Oh, shut up,” Craig says. “She’s not as bad as she sounds.”

“Yeah, and look what she’s turned you into,” Chris says.

“Look what she’s done to you,” Craig says.

“What?”

“The dress, silly,” Craig says.

Chris looks down to find he’s wearing that lovely pink dress again. And the shoes too. Hehehe, do not fuck with the narrator.

“Ah, fuck. I’m never living this down, am I?” Chris says.

“Fuck no. It looks so good on you, darling. Pink is so your colour,” Craig says, giggling.

“Shut up, Reucassel. I don’t need your shit right now,” Chris says.

“No one ever needs my shit, Chris,” Craig says.

“Aren’t we getting a little sidetracked?” Andrew says, interrupting them.

Chris and Craig glare at Andrew.

“What? I’ve got a clone locked in the bathroom and all you can do is argue amongst yourselves? Honestly, if you want anything done around here, you have to do it yourself,” Andrew says, finally letting the other Andrew out of the bathroom and grabbing his arm. “Come on, clone, let’s go find Jules,” he says.

Chris and Craig watch him go, dragging the clone along with him, before continuing their argument. Andrew ignores them, wandering around the house looking for Julian. Not finding him anywhere, they return to the lounge room, finding Chris and Craig still arguing. It’s then that Andrew notices the gap in the floorboards, a gap that looks suspiciously like a trap door, partly covered by the rug. He kneels down, rolling the rug back to investigate.

“Get the sofa out of the way, other me,” Andrew says. He glares at the other Andrew until he complies, moving the sofa out of the way of the trap door. Andrew looks over at Chris and Craig. “Hey, guys, did you know this trap door was here?” he says.

They look at him, wondering what he’s talking about.

“What trap door?” Chris says.

“This one, dickhead. Under the rug here. What do you think is under there?” Andrew says.

“Nothing good. But, I suppose we’ll just have to go and find out, won’t we? Put ourselves in mortal peril just for you, hey?” Chris says.

“I’ve got a clone. How bad can it be?” Andrew says.

“Probably worse than you’re expecting now that you’ve said that,” Craig says.

“What is this, a story of clichés? Honestly, think up something new,” Andrew says.

“Let’s just get on with this, ok? I’m getting bored of this. The sooner this is over, the sooner I can get out of this fucking dress,” Chris says.

“Fine. Let’s go down the scary trap door and get into even more trouble,” Andrew says with a sigh, pulling the trap door open.

They stare down at a set of stone steps vanishing quickly into darkness. With a heavy sigh, Andrew leads them into the darkness, making sure to keep a hold onto his clone, just so it can’t escape. The steps descend quickly, keeping them in semi-darkness until they come to a landing opening onto a very large expansive factory. They come to a stop, leaning against the railing, not sure what to do next.

“Oh, I’m sure someone’ll think of something. Or we’ll just get captured by guards. That could work too,” Chris says as the evil looking guards approach them, guns held in full view.

But, Chris doesn’t realise the others have disappeared up the passage to hide, so only Chris gets hauled away by the guards. Chris notices this just as they’re vanishing from view.

“Hey, you selfish bastards, come out of hiding, you cowards! Hey, guard-types, there’s some more back there, why don’t you go get them too?” Chris says, but the guards ignore him.

Andrew, the other Andrew and Craig come out of hiding when there’s no one in sight.

“You’re an evil bastard, Craig,” Andrew says.

“What? He was bound to get caught. He’s the princess. He gets captured, we go rescue him. You know how this works,” Craig says.

“So we’re stuck in some fucked up Super Mario Brothers game, are we?” the other Andrew says.

“Did I ask you to speak, clone?” Andrew says.

“What? I’m not the clone, you are, and don’t you tell me to be quiet,” the other Andrew says.

“Fine, let’s just get going before someone else turns up,” Andrew says with a sigh.

They head off in the same direction as the guards, since it’s the only way down, making sure to keep hidden when anyone approaches. Just as they get to the floor of the factory, they’re pulled into a dark room. And when they look down at what’s in the room, suddenly, everything changes.

“Who the fuck are you?” Craig says, staring at the three people standing before them.

“Holy fucking Jesus Christ. He’s the Doctor. The narrator’s obviously decided this isn’t weird enough,” Andrew says, almost bursting with excitement as he recognises the TARDIS behind them, and going from there.

“You know me? Hmm, how interesting. We haven’t met before, have we?” The Doctor says.

“No, but how is this real? This is all fake, isn’t it? No, of course it’s not. This is a very weird crossover, Hansen, get used to it,” Andrew says. He pauses for a moment. “Can I see inside the TARDIS? Just for a bit?” he says.

“We just going to leave Chris out there to get tortured, are we?” Craig says.

“Would you miss him, really?” Andrew says.

“Come on, we have things to do. Because obviously, they’re not just here to be pretty, are they?” Craig says.

“You never know. Narrator likes the pretty,” Craig says.

“Yes, we all know how much she likes you, Craig,” Andrew says.

“She does not like me,” Craig says.

“They why are you her favourite?” Andrew says.

“I resent that, Andrew, I’m not her favourite,” Craig says.

“Look, he’s pretty and useful, so he’s coming too, ok? We can argue over this later,” Andrew says, grabbing The Doctor by the arm.

“You think I’m pretty? Oh, that’s good to know. Still think I should’ve been ginger though. And look, there’s two of you. That is interesting,” The Doctor says.

“Yeah, that’s why we’re down here. Now, I suppose we should go find out who’s in charge round here,” Andrew says.

“If he’s still around when this is all over, that clone I mean, can I take it with me? He’d look alright next to me, don’t you think?” The Doctor says, curiously channelling Captain Jack Sparrow there for a moment.

“What? Oh, take him for all I care. We could solve this so easily right now. You take the clone, we go find Jules and Chas, and everyone’s happy,” Andrew says.

“Nah, cos then we’d miss the hilarity of you flirting with yourself. I mean, come on, haven’t you always wanted to sleep with yourself?” Craig says.

“You that much in love with yourself, Craig?” Andrew says.

“Oh, I’ve done that. That’s fun, it is. Though my previous regeneration wasn’t as cute as me, and still not ginger, sadly,” The Doctor says. “Why don’t I get ginger companions anymore?” he says sadly.

“Because that would be weird? And we really didn’t need to know that?” Andrew says.

“Killjoy,” The Doctor says, pouting. “Oh, let’s go look around already. I bet there’s something really interesting out there. Think there’ll be a clone army or something?”

“Most probably, considering all the other clichés we’ve had to deal with,” Craig says. “We go out there, we snoop around for a bit, we look for the big lair thing, Jules and Chas make their appearance, there’s some big fight, Andrew fucks himself, and we all get home for tea. Hey, are you using me to work out plotbunnies again?” Craig says.

“Oh, come on, we can’t keep them waiting. I want to delete you already,” the other Andrew says to Andrew.

“Oh, it’s Julian and Chas, who cares?” Craig says. “We’ll go find them, find them having drinks with Chris, sit down and play cards.”

“Does anyone know what I’m doing here then?” The Doctor says. “Can’t we go look around? I don’t like being confined to one room.”

“We’ve been over this. You’re pretty and useful. Now, let’s get out of here,” Andrew says quickly.

“Are you crushing on The Doctor, Andrew?” Craig says.

“Oh, fuck off, Craig. I’m not crushing on him,” Andrew says.

“Oh, you so are! I saw you checking him out,” Craig says. “Andrew loves the Doctor, Andrew loves the Doctor,” he taunts, giggling.

“Well, you are rather handsome. And hey, you have a clone. What more could a Time Lord want?” the Doctor says with a grin.

“No, we are not going there. Keep those thoughts to yourself,” Andrew says. “Now, let’s get out of here before I go crazy and kill someone,” he says, heading towards the door.

And so the expanded group leave the dark room to explore the factory. It’s grey, made of concrete and metal, with machines that make noises and workers that don’t seem to notice them as they pass.

“Oh, that’s a coincidence, isn’t it?” Craig says.

“What is?” Andrew says.

“That no one’s taking any notice of us,” Craig says.

“Are you eavesdropping on the narration again?” Andrew says.

“A little, maybe,” Craig says, dismissively.

“No, but it’s very odd though, don’t you think?” Rose says. “I mean, someone’s got to be paying attention.”

“Not necessarily, as Jules discovered. And you are?” Craig says.

“I’m Rose, and that’s Mickey,” Rose says. Mickey gives a quick wave. “God, doesn’t anyone introduce companions anymore?” she says.

“Apparently not. But that’s not important. Can’t you see what’s going on here? Look, those machines are making things. People. You. How extraordinary. I wonder how they’re doing it?” The Doctor says.

“Does it matter? I mean, in the grand scheme of things? Can we go find Jules and Chas already?” Craig says.

“Uh, no need to. Look,” Andrew says, pointing up at something.

Everyone looks up to see Chas and Julian standing on a high platform, gazing down at them.

“God, they’re dressed like fucking Draculas,” Craig says.

“What, that’s supposed to make them look evil?” Andrew says. “That’s pathetic. Ooh, look, I’m so scared!” he says.

“Oh, shut up. At least they look sort of menacing,” Craig says.

“That’s menacing? I’ve seen menacing, and that’s not it,” The Doctor says.

“Can we have Chris back already, Jules? And can we just blow up the evil clone army lair so I can go and eat?” Craig calls up to them.

“Think I’m just going to give him back to you? I don’t think so. Let’s watch him descend into a pit full of whirling sharp blades, because the princess must be in danger before she’s rescued,” Julian calls back, hitting a button on the floor with his foot which produces Chris being lowered into said pit of whirling blades.

“Oh, come on, you still bothering with all this? Just rough him up a little, we’ll come up there and get past your unarmed guards and free him, then we can all go for drinks down the pub, hey?” Craig calls back.

“Oh, go on, Jules. Aren’t you sick of this? I mean, what on earth are you going to do with an army of Andrew clones?” Chas says.

“I have plans for them!” Julian insists.

“Yeah, like what?” Chas says. “You’ve got five thousand Andrew clones. What could you possibly want to do with that many Andrews? They can’t fight for shit. Haven’t you seen them training? Ducks could fight better than them.”

“Well, clearly this is pointless. I suppose now you’re going to turn on me and hurl me into the pit of whirling blades, hey?” Julian says.

“What would I do that for? That guy down there’s going to do it for me,” Chas says, glancing down at the Doctor, who’s hurling things up at them. Chas ducks in time and retreats, pulling Chris back onto the deck before he gets smashed.

Julian looks down just as something solid collides with his head, sending him falling backwards. Chas runs to him in time to save him (since I’m so averse to killing Chaser boys), grabbing him just as he’s about to fall over the railing.

“Yeah, stupid pacifist narrator. I can’t run that bloody fast in real life, you know,” Chas says as he struggles to pull Julian back onto the railing.

“Can we get out of here now? Can we just destroy these clones already?” Craig calls.

“Come up, there’s a self-destruct button in the control room. Help me get Jules out of here. I need some pizza badly,” Chas calls down to them.

With a collective shrug, the group traverse the narrow winding metal stairs and walkways to reach the platform. Chris looks mightily pissed off when they arrive.

“You let them take me, Reucassel. I’ll fucking kill you!” he says, charging at Craig, trying to attack him.

“Hey, it was fate! It’s how the plot goes! Don’t blame me for that!” Craig says, fending him off.

“Yeah, but you seemed so very upset, didn’t you, when I was about to be killed!” Chris snarls.

“I knew you’d be alright. Like you were really going to die up there,” Craig says.

“You try being lowered towards that and see if you don’t get shit scared you’re going to die,” Chris says.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, will you two just stop fighting?” Andrew says.

“Yeah, I’m fucking sick of it too,” the other Andrew says.

“Are they always like this?” Rose says.

“Yes. All the bloody time. You think this is bad? Try living with them,” Andrew says. “Can we go see the TARDIS now?” he says, turning to The Doctor.

“Why does everyone always want to see the TARDIS, hmm?” The Doctor says.

“Because there’s only one left?” Andrew offers.

“Can we get out of here already?” the other Andrew says. “Leave Andrew and his Doctor to get comfy in the TARDIS and head off to get pissed? Anyone disagree with that plan?” he says.

“I’m so there. You coming, Chris?” Craig says.

“Yeah. Hey, Chas, is Jules ok?” Chris says.

“Yeah, give him a minute, he’ll wake up. Then we can get out of here,” Chas says.

And so they all stand around in silence for a minute or so til Julian wakes up because this is long enough already for any further conversation. And when Julian wakes, there is much rejoicing. Or at least, a collective sigh as the end draws near.

But one last obstacle presents itself. The Andrew clones are rioting, advancing upon the collected people on the landing in defence of their fallen leaders.

“Oh, fuck, you had to activate the clones, didn’t you?” Chris says.

“Hey, don’t look at me, this wasn’t my idea,” Julian says.

“And I suppose they’re indestructible, hmm?” Andrew says.

“Naturally. Well, immune to everything except the lab’s self-destruction,” Julian. “Wouldn’t be fair otherwise.”

“So, is this the cue to escape at last?” Craig says.

“Yeah, I think so,” Chas says.

With everyone recovered, The Doctor takes an excitable Andrew back to the TARDIS, much to Rose’s disappointment, while the rest of them set the lab to self-destruct and ~~leave to go to the pub~~ escape the advancing horde of Andrew clones.

The TARDIS disappears just before the secret lab explodes, destroying the thousands of Andrew clones as they’re advancing on the rest of the Chaser boys, who manage to escape just in time. Doesn’t everyone escape in the end? Bad guys beaten, world saved from Andrew clones, time to go get pissed (or shagged) (or both).

At the pub, Mickey does his best to console Rose after the Doctor’s rejection, clearly a plotline leading to drunken sex. Chris and Craig continue to fight as always, leading to much make-up sex in the early hours of the morning. The other Andrew takes Andrew’s place, though no one ever notices the difference. Chas and Jules sit and wonder why they decided an army of Andrew clones was the best way to secure world domination and try to work out a much better plan for later on.

And so the world is (relatively) safe again from bad silly stories like this.

The End. At Last.


End file.
